Excerpt: Kung Fu Snow White

When I was teaching drama in Tokyo, I could never find the *perfect* script that I wanted, and had to just rely on “good enough” scripts. I’d happy to report that, regardless of the script choice, we always had a ton of fun and made every performance something worthwhile. Now, I’m not saying that I could ever write an original, “perfect” script by any means, but I’m reasonably confident I could manage an original “good enough” one. And thus was born the idea of “Kung Fu Snow White and the Seven Ninjas.”  Cut to three years later, and I never finished things beyond Act One. Maybe it’s about time I brushed that off and see if I could complete it?  Here’s a sample, when the villains, “Number One Student,” her underlings (Newt and Toad), and a Tournament Planner, wonder what to do about Snow White and the upcoming kung fu tournament…

 

TOURNAMENT PLANNER
You know, speaking of make-up stylists, I have a great resource I can make available to you for just a small surcharge to the “fairy tale set” package. Are you ready for this? A magic mirror.

(TOAD and NEWT react appreciatively)

NUMBER ONE
What kind of magic mirror?

PLANNER
You know, it reveals things. Magically.

TOAD
The future?

PLANNER
Well, no.

NEWT
The past.

PLANNER
Not really.

NUMBER ONE
What good is a revelation if it’s not about the past or future?

PLANNER
It reveals . . . the Truth.

NUMBER ONE
Oh! The ultimate Truth?

PLANNER
Is there any other kind?

NUMBER ONE
Ooh! Well, then by all means, by all means. Let’s bring it in here.
(to TOAD and NEWT, as the PLANNER exits)
I didn’t realize guests like that charming Smile-guy would be coming already. Distract them! Yes, distract them until we get everything … properly ready.

(TOAD and NEWT salute, bow and kowtow, exiting opposite. Enter the MAGIC MIRROR. It can be as elaborate as wheeled prop, as simple as a frame for the actor’s head, or as funny/unexpected as a TV displaying a live feed. The actor can poke his/her head through a curtain when summoned, according to the prop.)

Ah! Truly it is a Magic Mirror, my lucky looking-glass! So far I fail to see my glorious reflection, but maybe it just needs the magic words?
(beat)
“OK, Glass.” Answer me this question…

MAGIC MIRROR
(after revealing its face)
Home screen, start up tone:
“Hello, User! Please sign in.”
Username, password

NUMBER ONE
(sighs, then as fast as possible)
numberone4ever underscore 38 at shifu temple dot CO dot CN password beiberfever 1234 baby baby oh

MAGIC MIRROR
Welcome screen home page
“How can I help you today?”
Search field, cursor blinks.

NUMBER ONE
Answer me this question. Who is the best, most brilliant, skilled, sexy, and, most humble, most deserving, and all around ultimate student of the land?

MAGIC MIRROR
Unfortunate beep.
Question is not recognized.
How can I help you?

NUMBER ONE
Don’t tell me.
(checks behind the mirror)
Of course. “Made in Japan,” so it’s set on Haiku mode or something. All right, let’s see–
Student falls, pleading.
Who is the most ultimate?
The mirror reveals!

MAGIC MIRROR
That’s better. Ahem.

Winter fields of snow;
Stepping prayer-like through her forms,
Lowly woman bows.

NUMBER ONE
That doesn’t sound like me at all.

MAGIC MIRROR
It’s Snow, Okay? Snow.
(Pause, then counts the syllables with his/her fingers)
Snow-Snow, Snow-Snow, Snow-Snow-Snow.
Just so you know– Snow.

NUMBER ONE
Okay, Glass… Take a hike!
(recites)
One swift uppercut.
Thousand shards of glass falling.
SMASHED like all my hopes!

MAGIC MIRROR
Gulp! Screen saver, on!

EXIT MAGIC MIRROR

 

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