Hayden Goobie, Age 8, Explains the Death of Wolverine

Meet Hayden Goobie

Hayden, I hate to break it to you. You know Wolverine? He’s dead now. Marvel just finished it’s series The Death of Wolverine.

Really? I mean really for reals?

Yeah, I think so. He won’t be in any comics or movies for a few years. Well, months, at least.

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What?! But Wolverine is like an awesome hero! He’s on like at least fifty teams or something. X-Men, the other X-Men, Avengers, the other Avengers, the Jean Grey School or Academy, and like, his own comicbooks and stuff!

I guess he got too popular or something.

Of course he’s popular! Duh! He’s like a mutant hero fighter type with martial arts skills and ninja skills and super fighting ability. He has these claws that are sort of like three long metal knives that pop out of the back of his hands or maybe his knuckles and they’re super strong and can cut through anything even other metal or rock or stuff. And he has a healing factor that heals him from anything even cuts and scrapes or cut off arms but actually you can’t really cut off his arms I guess because his bones are unbreakable metal just like his claws are unbreakable. And basically he’s got like wild animal powers and can smell and track people or have berserker rages. Or at least he used to. I think he got over that a while ago.

Because when he first showed up he was like this secret agent for Canada because Canada has this whole bunch of departments that are for like secret spy stuff or secret sciencey stuff. And he fought the Hulk. But later Professor X needed his help, Wolverine’s I mean, so he could go and rescue the X-Men and join them which he did. Professor X even helped Wolverine learn to control himself but he could never learn to control his memories because they were lost thanks to Canada’s secret science lab.

Because Wolverine is actually really old, like a hundred years or something, and his healing factor helps him stay young. But not young-young, just not hundred-billion or whatever. I think he fought in the World War Twos as a spy or something. He met like a lot of people even like Captain America and Black Widow and Captain Marvel and Sabretooth and fell in love with like Silver Fox I think but maybe I lost my memory of all of that two. Maybe it wasn’t just Canada-science that messed up his memories but like he’s had so many adventures that he can’t remember them all.

There was this one time when he even called himself Patch because he had an eyepatch. It was when he was in the Asian country of Madripoor and was a mercenary or something and so kick-butt that the whole nation which was like a nation of criminals would follow him. That’s why later the villain Viper forced Wolverine to marry her so she could take over the country somehow. But that doesn’t really matter because later the spirit of his old master and now his enemy tried to possess her and he made her divorce him before he freed her from her spirit.

I guess there was another time he was married because he had a kid called Daken but he didn’t know he had a kid so the kid grew up hating Wolverine and became one of his enemies. Well it was also because Wolverine’s other enemy Romulus tried to get Daken to hate Wolverine because Romulus was like this leader of wolf-people but not werewolf-people and thought that Wolverine would be like the next Romulus or whatever. That guy even said that he made pretty much all the stuff that happened to Wolverine in his life happen, even though a wolverine isn’t a wolf at all and is its own species.

Well, if I lived for hundred years, I’d likely wouldn’t keep track of my family members, too.

And he has like so many sidekicks too for some reason! I think the first one was like Shadowcat or Kitty Pryde I guess she was called because it was her real name. He helped teach her ninja skills for some reason. Then there was Jubilee who rescued him from some Australian bad guys that one time. It was the same time he helped Psylocke who was trapped in the body of a ninja. Then there was Armor whose power was growing a shell of armor around herself and helped train her. She was Japanese but not a ninja. He also helped like Rogue but that was in the movies so I’m not sure if it really counts or not.

And then there’s X-23 who is like Wolverine’s clone but she’s actually a girl and has only two claws plus claws on her feet. She was also an experiment by some sciencey guys but not the Canada ones I think but which happens a lot to Wolveriney characters, and she had a lot of berserker rage too.

Is there anyone in the Marvel universe he hasn’t influenced?

I dunno. He’s pretty much teamed up or been involved with everything. There was the Alpha Flight group that was part of the Canadian thing I keep talking about and the X-Men and a whole Japanese yakuza clan and the Madripoor thing and a bunch of World War II mercenaries and heroes and even Cable. Also one time he was taken by the bad guy Apocalypse and turned into one of his Horsemen-henchman (Horsehenches?) and became Death but he got better. That was right after he was revealed to have been replaced by an alien Skrull shapeshifter for a whole long time too.

Now and days he’s got like a whole school of mutants that he helps like a kind-of-sort-of sidekick whose name is Quentin Quire and he does telepathy and has pink hair. It’s the Jean Grey school because he always loved Jean Grey who was in the X-Men even though the love of his life was Mariko from the Clan Yashida but that was before he was forced to kill her before she would have died from poison anyway.

Okay, wait. This is really starting to get complicated.

I know, right? That’s why maybe it’s okay to kill him off I guess. Although of course he was already killed off once before and he even went to Hell for a bunch of times and had to fight his way out and come back to Earth.

So you are saying he’ll be back?

Yeah, prob’ly. Like I said he’s really a cool character. He could come back like a totally kick-butt ninja that can switch into wolverine-mode with hyper-speed with his slashy claws. Maybe he’d be cooler though if he was a bit taller, maybe, and maybe a bit younger too. He could be more flashy cool and spin with one of those Japanese moves from the anime then suddenly go Snikt Snikt with the claws sound. He would probably need an animal sidekick, too, like a talking wolverine or a beaver or other Canada animal who could be really sarcastic when they leap into adventure but not a moose because that would be stupid.

And that’s all I have to say about the Death of Wolverine.

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