Hayden Goobie, Age 8, Explains the Death of Wolverine

Meet Hayden Goobie

Hayden, I hate to break it to you. You know Wolverine? He’s dead now. Marvel just finished it’s series The Death of Wolverine.

Really? I mean really for reals?

Yeah, I think so. He won’t be in any comics or movies for a few years. Well, months, at least.

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What?! But Wolverine is like an awesome hero! He’s on like at least fifty teams or something. X-Men, the other X-Men, Avengers, the other Avengers, the Jean Grey School or Academy, and like, his own comicbooks and stuff!

I guess he got too popular or something.

Of course he’s popular! Duh! He’s like a mutant hero fighter type with martial arts skills and ninja skills and super fighting ability. He has these claws that are sort of like three long metal knives that pop out of the back of his hands or maybe his knuckles and they’re super strong and can cut through anything even other metal or rock or stuff. And he has a healing factor that heals him from anything even cuts and scrapes or cut off arms but actually you can’t really cut off his arms I guess because his bones are unbreakable metal just like his claws are unbreakable. And basically he’s got like wild animal powers and can smell and track people or have berserker rages. Or at least he used to. I think he got over that a while ago.

Because when he first showed up he was like this secret agent for Canada because Canada has this whole bunch of departments that are for like secret spy stuff or secret sciencey stuff. And he fought the Hulk. But later Professor X needed his help, Wolverine’s I mean, so he could go and rescue the X-Men and join them which he did. Professor X even helped Wolverine learn to control himself but he could never learn to control his memories because they were lost thanks to Canada’s secret science lab.

Because Wolverine is actually really old, like a hundred years or something, and his healing factor helps him stay young. But not young-young, just not hundred-billion or whatever. I think he fought in the World War Twos as a spy or something. He met like a lot of people even like Captain America and Black Widow and Captain Marvel and Sabretooth and fell in love with like Silver Fox I think but maybe I lost my memory of all of that two. Maybe it wasn’t just Canada-science that messed up his memories but like he’s had so many adventures that he can’t remember them all.

There was this one time when he even called himself Patch because he had an eyepatch. It was when he was in the Asian country of Madripoor and was a mercenary or something and so kick-butt that the whole nation which was like a nation of criminals would follow him. That’s why later the villain Viper forced Wolverine to marry her so she could take over the country somehow. But that doesn’t really matter because later the spirit of his old master and now his enemy tried to possess her and he made her divorce him before he freed her from her spirit.

I guess there was another time he was married because he had a kid called Daken but he didn’t know he had a kid so the kid grew up hating Wolverine and became one of his enemies. Well it was also because Wolverine’s other enemy Romulus tried to get Daken to hate Wolverine because Romulus was like this leader of wolf-people but not werewolf-people and thought that Wolverine would be like the next Romulus or whatever. That guy even said that he made pretty much all the stuff that happened to Wolverine in his life happen, even though a wolverine isn’t a wolf at all and is its own species.

Well, if I lived for hundred years, I’d likely wouldn’t keep track of my family members, too.

And he has like so many sidekicks too for some reason! I think the first one was like Shadowcat or Kitty Pryde I guess she was called because it was her real name. He helped teach her ninja skills for some reason. Then there was Jubilee who rescued him from some Australian bad guys that one time. It was the same time he helped Psylocke who was trapped in the body of a ninja. Then there was Armor whose power was growing a shell of armor around herself and helped train her. She was Japanese but not a ninja. He also helped like Rogue but that was in the movies so I’m not sure if it really counts or not.

And then there’s X-23 who is like Wolverine’s clone but she’s actually a girl and has only two claws plus claws on her feet. She was also an experiment by some sciencey guys but not the Canada ones I think but which happens a lot to Wolveriney characters, and she had a lot of berserker rage too.

Is there anyone in the Marvel universe he hasn’t influenced?

I dunno. He’s pretty much teamed up or been involved with everything. There was the Alpha Flight group that was part of the Canadian thing I keep talking about and the X-Men and a whole Japanese yakuza clan and the Madripoor thing and a bunch of World War II mercenaries and heroes and even Cable. Also one time he was taken by the bad guy Apocalypse and turned into one of his Horsemen-henchman (Horsehenches?) and became Death but he got better. That was right after he was revealed to have been replaced by an alien Skrull shapeshifter for a whole long time too.

Now and days he’s got like a whole school of mutants that he helps like a kind-of-sort-of sidekick whose name is Quentin Quire and he does telepathy and has pink hair. It’s the Jean Grey school because he always loved Jean Grey who was in the X-Men even though the love of his life was Mariko from the Clan Yashida but that was before he was forced to kill her before she would have died from poison anyway.

Okay, wait. This is really starting to get complicated.

I know, right? That’s why maybe it’s okay to kill him off I guess. Although of course he was already killed off once before and he even went to Hell for a bunch of times and had to fight his way out and come back to Earth.

So you are saying he’ll be back?

Yeah, prob’ly. Like I said he’s really a cool character. He could come back like a totally kick-butt ninja that can switch into wolverine-mode with hyper-speed with his slashy claws. Maybe he’d be cooler though if he was a bit taller, maybe, and maybe a bit younger too. He could be more flashy cool and spin with one of those Japanese moves from the anime then suddenly go Snikt Snikt with the claws sound. He would probably need an animal sidekick, too, like a talking wolverine or a beaver or other Canada animal who could be really sarcastic when they leap into adventure but not a moose because that would be stupid.

And that’s all I have to say about the Death of Wolverine.

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Hayden Goobie, Age 8, Explains Captain Marvel

Meet Hayden Goobie

“Hey, Heyden. Do you like girl heroes?”

Depends.

“Depends on what?”

I mean, do you mean if I just like them or if I LIKE-like them?

“Well, just tell me what you think about Captain Marvel.”

Which one? The girl one? Because there are like three different girl ones maybe, at different times though. And there were I think like four or five boys who were the boy ones at different times.

“The Captain Marvel right now. Carol is her name.”

Captain Marvel #1 (2014)

Oh. Ok. Well, she’s basically an Avenger… in space. I mean, she’s a hero and she does hero stuff in outer space. She can fly and can blast like energy or something from her hands. She can even make her costume appear just like that … but I can’t snap my fingers real good … so I guess she has superpowers of dressing up. And she’s super strong I THINK, and super tough like bulletproof or punchproof or whatever. And she has a cat. Not like a superpowered kind of cat, just a normal cat. I mean, it’s like kind of mean or has some attitude problems kind of thing. So yeah, just a normal cat. Oh, and her spaceship is smart and can talk and sound like a person but it’s just a spaceship.

“Sounds pretty simple, then.”

But really she wasn’t always in space. She used to be in New York and even lived in New York, lived in the Statue of Liberty. I mean the Statue of Liberty was like her apartment. And she had a bunch of friends like Spider-Woman who is a superhero but also a lot of people who aren’t. She, Captain Marvel I mean, tried to be a hero but she was sent to the past for some reason and later had to fight a bunch of her old villains because they were all sent by her biggest Bad Guy enemy so that he could steal her powers and her memory but she got better.

“I think that happens to her a lot.”

I know, right? But anyways all of that was when she was Captain Marvel, and BEFORE all of that she was just Ms. Marvel. She still was a hero in New York and she tried real hard to be a hero and everything with like sidekicks and hero friends and things but she got kind of mixed up with all the stuffs that was going on like Civil War and hero versus hero stuffs until Norman Osborn tried to take over everything and the heroes realized what they were doing was kind of stupid and everybody just went back to being normal.

“The way I see it, at the start of it all, Carol was affected by seeing an alternate universe where she was one of the world’s top heroes. So that’s why she doubled her efforts to be a hero, even to the point of siding with Tony Stark during the Civil War, a guy who genuinely wanted to legitimize heroes but ultimately ended up going too far and taking heroes’ reputations, like Carol’s, down with him.

Uhm, OK I guess. But before that did you know Ms. Marvel was called Warbird? But not because she was a giant bird or anything. That’s what they call airplanes in World War Two. Duh! Anywayzz, that’s when she re-joined the Avengers team after being in space for a long time, but she drank too much alcohol and lied to people about her powers because they were like burned out or nearly gone so she got in trouble. Then she got better and had to do the right thing so she became Ms. Marvel again.

“Ms. Marvel is a more marketable name, after all.”

Well I don’t know about that but I do know that before even THAT she wasn’t even Warbird and she had an even more different codename which was Binary. She hung out with the Starjammers which are a kind of like space pirates and are friends with the X-Men. It’s because she was hanging out with the X-Men in the first place but then some aliens kidnapped her and did experiments on her and gave her powers of stars that are also called binary so she called herself Binary. I think she was pretty powerful and that’s why she couldn’t go back to Earth or maybe she was just angry and didn’t want to go back home.

“So she wasn’t always an Avenger but she was an X-Men?”

Uhm, not really. She was just hanging around. She was friends with Wolverine, because every one kind of knows Wolverine really, and she needed X-Men’s help because she lost her Ms. Marvel powers when she fought Rogue. Not Rogue from the X-Men because this was before Rogue joined the X-Men and was still a villain. She didn’t like the Avengers at that time because the Avengers didn’t treat her good and let her get in trouble with the Bad Guy whose name is Immortus or Marcus or something.

But before all of that she was just regular Ms. Marvel, and she fought aliens and bad guys in New York while also trying to have a secret identity as the writer for a magazine called Woman Magazine. Actually it was more complicated than that because Ms. Marvel had powers like danger sense powers and she would transform into Ms. Marvel automatically, but the different types of identity didn’t know each other which was kind of weird so they stopped doing that pretty quickly and just let Carol and Ms. Marvel be secret identities of each other.

“Wait. How did she get her powers anyway?”

Well, at the very beginning Carol was an Air Force person and a pilot and also a secret agent for the CIA and also a security person for NASA. I think that’s all. Yeah. Because of all those things she was working at NASA when the boy Captain Marvel– the very first one. well, I mean the alien one at Marvel Comics– was trying to hide on Earth as a Earth human. The boy Captain was also trying to save Earth from the aliens (who are called Kree by the way) and he took the secret identity of a NASA worker. But Carol was trying to track down the boy Captain Marvel and they soon met and teamed up a lot and fell in love and all that stuff. Well, anyway, of course the big Bad Guy alien kidnapped Carol as part of his villain plans and he also tried to set off this big alien bomb kind of weapon but the boy Captain Marvel and Carol stopped him but when the weapon exploded it changed Carol into giving her Ms. Marvel powers because her body changed into half-human-half-Kree.

“Wow. This does not sound simple at all, actually.”

Oh, it’s alright. She’s pretty much a basic superhero, basically. She has a flashy costume now that looks like space armor and that’s kind of cool, but really she should have a cape or something too if she’s such a basic superhero. Oh, and she should probably have these star shapes all around when she uses her energy powers and stuff and use like star-shaped shields and things. She should have a special jet that she uses to fly all around the world and into outer space, and she can keep fighting the bad Kree and other bad aliens wherever they are. And her sidekicks could be the Marvel Girls named Warbird, and Binary who are twins, and Ms. M who all have different special jets too and they can can fly around with different colored star powers then combine into a giant robot or something.

And that’s all I have to say about Captain Marvel.

 

 

 

Marvel’s Spidey Super-Stories present: The Falcon

Can you tell I’m anticipating the premiere of Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier? It’s like Falcon appreciation week here.

Anyway, there was once a comic for new, lower-elementary school readers called Spidey Super-Stories (1975). It featured Spider-Man (due to his licensing for the PBS series The Electric Company) as well as a diverse cast of supporting heroes, both from The Electric Company as well as Marvel Comics’ canon.

But it certainly helps to clarify and simplify the origin of the heroes, as Hayden Goobie would appreciate:

from Spidey Super-Stories #13 (1975) by Winslow Mortimer

from Spidey Super-Stories #13 (1975) by Winslow Mortimer

So… just to reiterate. Some heroes are made by being bitten with a radioactive spider. Some heroes are made when their parents are gunned down in an alley. Other heroes? They like birds and buy a pet falcon, teach it tricks, then later dress up like it and fight crime with it.

Hayden Goobie, Age 8, Explains Marvel Comics’ the Falcon

Meet Hayden Goobie

Hayden! What’s up little dude!

I don’t know, the SKY?!?!

Ha ha ha, smart guy! Well, you know what’s cool? And don’t say ice cubes.

Okay… I don’t know, the SNOW?!?!

Actually, the new Captain America movie is pretty cool.

Yeah, I know that.

I was hoping you could tell me more about the Falcon, because he looks cooler than even ice and snow.

Yeah, I know that too. Okay, well basically there are like three Falcons, one for the movie, one for the cartoon, and one for the comic. Well, really there’s even more, like the Super Hero Squad Show one, but that show was really just for babies so it doesn’t count. But really their powers are all the same, because they have the same superpower of wings, but not real wings like birds’ wings, they’re special jet packs with wings so they can fly. And actually the comics one is pretty different because he has even more superpowers and he has even a sidekick which is a real falcon. He can talk to his pet falcon whose name is Redwing but not with his words kind of talk to it, but with a special power of his mind. Actually he can talk to ALL birds like that, but not like all the birds in the world, I guess, maybe just the whole city or something.

OK so for the Movie-Falcon, the guy used to be a soldier and now he is a counselor, just like Captain America who used to be a soldier, so he does counselor things for him, and they fall in best-friendships with each other. Together they team up and they have the adventure in the movie together. That’s pretty much about it.

The Cartoon-Falcon, he works for SHIELD too because pretty much everybody works for SHIELD. This guy was a big Iron Man fanboy and helped the Avengers by stealing Tony Stark’s Falcon suit that was going to be given to SHIELD anyway and he stayed around to have adventures with the Avengers. He’s smart and knows a lot of sciencey and technology skills but he is some kind of squee-ing kind of newbie to his heroes.

The Comics-Falcon is, umm, more complicated I guess. Basically, he works like a social worker in New York, I guess, but I really don’t know what that does, so I don’t know. Right NOW he is one of the Avengers but doesn’t live in the Tower or anything he just helps them sometimes. Two different teams sometimes. Both the regular Avengers and the Mighty Avengers, which is better I think.

Mighty Avengers: No Single Hero (2014) Available as trade paperback (no Kindle edition) or at Comixology here

Mighty Avengers: No Single Hero (2014) Available as trade paperback (no Kindle edition) or at Comixology here

All right, so waaaaay back in the day, the Falcon was like Captain America’s partner, and he even had his name in the title of the comic book which was called Captain America and the Falcon. It all started when Captain America was trapped on a tropical island like on the Carob-Bean or somewhere. He was trapped because his enemies who were a bunch of Nazis tried to rule the islands and also kill him. The Falcon who wasn’t the Falcon yet just Sam Wilson which is his real name was also on the island, because he was vacationing there but stayed to help the peoples there be like in a revolution against the Nazi guys. Sam Wilson had his pet Redwing there too which he had first bought in South America for some reason. Anyways, so Captain America and Sam Wilson teamed up but Captain America told Sam Wilson to dress like a superhero and he trained him and together they helped inspire the peoples and defeat the Nazis. When they came back to New York they stayed best friends and superhero partners and fought a lot of crime together.

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Captain America #117 (1968)

And then at some point all of that wasn’t really true, because the Red Skull who is like the most evil Nazi bad guy ever and Captain America’s biggest enemy, showed Captain America that he had messed with Sam Wilson on that island so that he could mess with Captain America’s head. The Red Skull said that Sam Wilson was really some guy called Snap Wilson and was like a big crime boss criminal who was flying around South America for some reason and crashed on the island from before. But the Red Skull used the power of the Cosmic Cube which is like this wishing machine type of gem or something to make Snap Wilson think he was instead Sam Wilson on vacation instead. So then of course the Falcon started to act all Snap Wilsony once again at that point, but Captain America beat up the Red Skull and everybody went back to normal after that and nobody really talks about it anymore.

Oh! And also at one point there was a Sentinel which is this kind of robot that can hunt mutants and one time it was hunting in New York and called the Falcon a mutant and so everyone got a little confused like maybe his connection with birds is some kind of mutant thing but that made no sense and so everyone thinks the Sentinel robot was really just broken at that time and nobody talks about that anymore either.

Now-and-days the Falcon, I mean the Comics-Falcon, works for SHIELD too as well as teaming up with the Avengers like I said before. I’m not sure when it started happening, it just sort of happened. This lets him work again with Captain America sometimes, because Captain America works with SHIELD all the time too now for some reason.

I like the Falcon but he’s not my favorite either. I think the Falcon is best when he is on a team or when he is a partner to someone like Captain America because I’m not sure what he can do on his own besides being a basic superhero. I mean it’s good that he is in the big city to fight crime and everything, but maybe he should go back to helping peoples in smaller countries like when he first started on that island. Then he can help the little guy fly high instead of working for the SHIELD or doing superspy stuff like everyone else does all the time.

Or maybe because he doesn’t really have many powers he can get a new power to make him turn into a giant falcon instead of just talking to one all the time. Then he can fight bad guys in a giant bird-form! And maybe even shoot a kind of energy from his eyes because falcons have good eyesight and everything.

And that’s all I can really say about the Falcon.

Hayden Goobie, Age 8, Explains the Winter Soldier

Meet Hayden Goobie

“Hey there, Hayden. You like superheroes, right? Can you tell me about the Winter Soldier?”

The comic book one or the movie one?

“Which one is more interesting?”

Well, the comic one is more interesting, but I haven’t seen the movie yet, and a lot of the times the movie is more interesting even though it’s different than the comic one which is more better sometimes.

“So tell me about the comic one.”

From the Kindle edition of the collected Winter Soldier, Vol. 1 edition (2012) by Ed Brubaker and Butch Guice

From the Kindle edition of the collected Winter Soldier, Vol. 1 (2012) by Ed Brubaker and Butch Guice

Ok, well, basically the Winter Soldier is this guy who is like a super spy. He has a metal arm because his arm, it’s his left arm, was blown up, I mean blown off, when he died the first time. He has a gun like a rifle and he shoots really good. He has long hair. And his mask is kind of like these two black diamonds that are over his eyes. He doesn’t really have a costume I guess but usually wears like blue costume armor or something. His powers are superspy powers.

He’s a hero now and he goes on secret missions because the world thinks he’s dead the second time. Or maybe the third. He works for… I don’t know. I think SHIELD or someone because everyone is working for SHIELD now-and-days but mostly he works on his own to fight bad guys, like bad agents, all over the world. He works with Black Widow a lot, because they are boyfriend-girlfriend.

But before he was dead the second time, he was actually Captain America for a while. This was at the time when Captain America was dead for like the second or third time. He had a Captain America costume with the shield and also used a gun and he still had that metal arm of course. He even worked with the Avengers and people, like Falcon and Nick Fury. But not the now-Nick Fury, the old one who was an old guy from World War II.

“I think it’s best to save the Nick Furies for a later conversation.”

From the Death of Captain America, Vol. 2 (2008) by Ed Brubaker and Steve Epting

From the Death of Captain America, Vol. 2 (2008) by Ed Brubaker and Steve Epting

I know, right? Anyway, the Winter Soldier who was Captain America even worked as Captain America even when the real Captain America came back from being dead and everyone was happy and teamed up sometimes and it was pretty cool, but the world or the government or somebody told the Winter Soldier he couldn’t be Captain America anymore because before that when he was Winter Soldier he killed a lot of people and stuff so he would have to go to jail. The jail, it was a Russian jail, was a really bad place and he had to fight a lot because of his past. After one of the fights he escapes so he could become Winter Solider again and fight in secret.

Because before all of that stuff, when he was the Winter Soldier for real, he was kind of a bad guy. The Russians used him, like made him into this superspy killing machine, for years and years, since like, after World War II and the, uh, Cold War. That’s why he’s Winter Soldier, because Russia and the Cold War.

“Actually, the term ‘Winter Soldier’ was used to describe soldiers who performed what were essentially war crimes during such times of war but were forced to remain silent by their superiors. It became the topic of a investigation following the Vietnam war as well as more recently regarding Iraq and Afghanistan.”

Oh okay. I don’t know about that. So, anyway, basically the big deal about the Winter Soldier is that in fact he’s Captain America’s old sidekick who’s name was Bucky! It’s like, “wow,” right? Because for years and years everyone had thought that Bucky died during the wartime, even Captain America thought this. Bucky had like died when Bucky and Captain America tried to stop a plane that a bad guy was using to launch a bomb so Bucky jumped on the plane when it was in the air but the bomb exploded when it was in the air and everyone thought he was dead. Baron Zemo was the bad guy, the dad Baron Zemo not his kid. Captain America was thrown into the water which was icy and was frozen until modern times. But what everyone didn’t know was that Bucky was also thrown into the ice and water and was also frozen but not for as long because the Russians took him from the water and experimented on him and gave him his metal cyborg arm and washed his brain to make him a bad guy for them.

From Captain America & Bucky: The Life Story of Bucky Barnes (2012) byEd Brubaker, Marc Andreyko, and Chris Samnee

From Captain America & Bucky: The Life Story of Bucky Barnes (2012) byEd Brubaker, Marc Andreyko, and Chris Samnee

That’s when he did all the bad things as a villain. When he wasn’t a villain the Russians just put him in the refrigerator until they needed to do some bad stuff and they’d take him out again and make him do the bad stuff. But it was okay because Bucky really didn’t know what he was doing he was just brainwashed and stuff.

So basically one of these times the Winter Soldier is made to go after the Cosmic Cube because this Russian bad guy wants the Cosmic Cube because it’s basically a wishing cube that makes all your wishes come true. He, the Winter Soldier I mean, has to kill a bunch of people before he does this and that’s when Captain America learns that the Winter Soldier who is Bucky is still alive. The two of them fight a little bit, but Captain America is the one who actually gets the Cube and makes a wish for the Winter Soldier to remember who he really is and it works and Bucky isn’t a bad guy anymore. But I mean he feels really bad for being a villain for so many years that he leaves and it takes a little bit of time before he gets to be friends again with Captain America after a while.

But I mean it turns out he did a lot of bad things during World War II too. (‘Tu-tu!’ Ha!) When he was Captain America’s sidekick during the War he always did the bad things so Captain America didn’t have to, like kill all the Nazis and things, but that was okay because it was war time and the bad guys were going to take over the world or something. He had a blue and red costume with diamond kind of mask and just called himself Bucky as his sidekick name even though his name really was Bucky in real life. He was just a kid who was living with the soldier troops for some reason and he came into Captain America’s tent when Captain America was changing into his Captain America costume and so Bucky learned Captain America’s secret identity. That’s when instead of blabbing about his secret identity he made Captain America take him as a sidekick and they fought the bad guys and super-Nazi soldiers and everyone. But really that’s what the government’s plan was all along and they had Bucky do all the bad work so Captain America wouldn’t have to.

I think all of the bad stuff he had to do really makes him sad, but he knows it’s important to fix your mistakes and so that’s why he stays as the Winter Soldier so that he can fix all the bad things he used to do like when he was helping the bad guys and training other kinds of winter soldiers. I guess that kind of makes him like a guy-version Black Widow and I guess that’s what makes them kind of boyfriend-girlfriend. It’s also kind of sad that he can’t team up with his best friend Captain America any more because since all the bad things he used to do, as the Winter Soldier I mean, are not a secret any more and no one wants a bad guy like that to be friends with Captain America even though it is kind of interesting.

I like the Winter Soldier but he’s not my favorite. I think he should have a better costume and maybe he should have some kind of ice-powers or freeze ray or something because “winter.”

And that’s all I have to say about Winter Soldier.