When I was teaching drama in Tokyo, I could never find the *perfect* script that I wanted, and had to just rely on “good enough” scripts. I’d happy to report that, regardless of the script choice, we always had a ton of fun and made every performance something worthwhile. Now, I’m not saying that I could ever write an original, “perfect” script by any means, but I’m reasonably confident I could manage an original “good enough” one. And thus was born the idea of “Kung Fu Snow White and the Seven Ninjas.” Cut to three years later, and I never finished things beyond Act One. Maybe it’s about time I brushed that off and see if I could complete it? Here’s a sample, when the villains, “Number One Student,” her underlings (Newt and Toad), and a Tournament Planner, wonder what to do about Snow White and the upcoming kung fu tournament…
You know, speaking of make-up stylists, I have a great resource I can make available to you for just a small surcharge to the “fairy tale set” package. Are you ready for this? A magic mirror.
(TOAD and NEWT react appreciatively)
What kind of magic mirror?
You know, it reveals things. Magically.
What good is a revelation if it’s not about the past or future?
It reveals . . . the Truth.
Oh! The ultimate Truth?
Is there any other kind?
Ooh! Well, then by all means, by all means. Let’s bring it in here.
(to TOAD and NEWT, as the PLANNER exits)
I didn’t realize guests like that charming Smile-guy would be coming already. Distract them! Yes, distract them until we get everything … properly ready.
(TOAD and NEWT salute, bow and kowtow, exiting opposite. Enter the MAGIC MIRROR. It can be as elaborate as wheeled prop, as simple as a frame for the actor’s head, or as funny/unexpected as a TV displaying a live feed. The actor can poke his/her head through a curtain when summoned, according to the prop.)
Ah! Truly it is a Magic Mirror, my lucky looking-glass! So far I fail to see my glorious reflection, but maybe it just needs the magic words?
“OK, Glass.” Answer me this question…
(after revealing its face)
Home screen, start up tone:
“Hello, User! Please sign in.”
(sighs, then as fast as possible)
numberone4ever underscore 38 at shifu temple dot CO dot CN password beiberfever 1234 baby baby oh
Welcome screen home page
“How can I help you today?”
Search field, cursor blinks.
Answer me this question. Who is the best, most brilliant, skilled, sexy, and, most humble, most deserving, and all around ultimate student of the land?
Question is not recognized.
How can I help you?
Don’t tell me.
(checks behind the mirror)
Of course. “Made in Japan,” so it’s set on Haiku mode or something. All right, let’s see–
Student falls, pleading.
Who is the most ultimate?
The mirror reveals!
That’s better. Ahem.
Winter fields of snow;
Stepping prayer-like through her forms,
Lowly woman bows.
That doesn’t sound like me at all.
It’s Snow, Okay? Snow.
(Pause, then counts the syllables with his/her fingers)
Snow-Snow, Snow-Snow, Snow-Snow-Snow.
Just so you know– Snow.
Okay, Glass… Take a hike!
One swift uppercut.
Thousand shards of glass falling.
SMASHED like all my hopes!
Gulp! Screen saver, on!
EXIT MAGIC MIRROR